Intial Thoughts

March 31, 2010

3:30 am, had to pee. Not that it's a surprise, I drank four beer and 5-6 ounces of Jack Daniel's and Coke last night. Lying in bed after the pee, the headache kicks in, and the thinking. Why do I continually do this? Three, four times a week , I seem to drink until I'm at least tipsy. I know it isn't healthy. I understand that it's bad for my health. My heart, my liver, and my overall weight really wish I wouldn't. But yet, it seems like a good idea to crack that beer or pour a couple of ounces of JD. So why do I?

Of course this clarity kicks in when I would rather be sleeping. Four a.m. and I have this understanding of what I'm doing to myself and why. Because part of me hates me.

I'm a happy guy. I've got a great job, a loving wife, a new house, a truck, friends, and a loving family. All the things that I wanted out of life. Yet, part of me wants to be an overweight alcoholic. An overweight alcoholic, who lives in a messy house getting pizza and Chinese food delivered to my house so that I don't have to leave. Then I can sit down, alcohol in hand, and watch pornography instead of having a healthy relationship with my wife.

That sounds like fun. If hating myself is fun. If creating an unhealthy being, who is trying to slowly commit suicide that will take a few decades of feeling like shit, is fun.

What is it that makes me make those choices? Some part of my brain. Some tiny part of my brain controls so many of my actions. The self destruct button. I'm not getting one of those ominous countdowns like in the movies. TEN, NINE, EIGHT.... Or am I? Why the hell else am I sitting here at a quarter to five when I was going to get up at six. Why is this the time that the clarity kicks in? I should be sleeping, but here I am.

When I say, "I should be sleeping", I'm not referring to just the time of day. It's healthy. I need the sleep to function. To allow my body the time to recover and rejuvenate, I need seven to eight hours. But here I am.

Here's my theory. Because the part of my brain that wants me to be healthy, caught the tiny part of my brain that wants to die napping. I need to get this sorted out, so here I am, sorting it out. Figuring out why I make these choices and trying to fix it.

Think about it. I know that the JD I drink is no good for me. Not in the slightest. My liver, especially my liver, would appreciate not having to filter the alcohol out of my system. My waistline would appreciate not carrying the extra helping of desert. My body would appreciate getting eight hours of sleep a night. But I make the choice to drink, eat unhealthily and stay up watching television that I'm not even learning anything from.

I make those choices consciously. Then it becomes a habit. When I try to break that habit, every single time to date, I fall back into those old habits. When I do fall, I feel good about it too. It's like I've won some victory over common sense and health. That is usually followed by guilt, but initially I feel good.
What part of me wants to feel good about being unhealthy? The experts tell us to "cheat" on our diet every now and then to maintain our diet overall. Feed that unhealthy side of us a little bit to keep it somewhat satisfied in the hopes that we can stay relatively healthy. Does that makes any sense?

I'm sure that a neurologist could tell me all about dopamine and the addictive centers of my brain that basically run my life. For sure it comes down to chemicals interacting with gray matter, but I still have to make those choices.

We're told every day what our healthy choices are. The food we eat, the exercise we should be getting, and the relationships we should be creating. This shouldn't be that difficult.

Here's my plan.

1. Stop admiring the goofs on television who don't treat themselves right, yet I do admire them. Charlie from Two and a Half Men comes to mind. The writers of that show sure do make the addictive character seem like the shows hero. Have another bourbon and get the hot chick and the great job.

2. Start making the right choices. Leave the beer in the fridge and the liquor in the cabinet for company. If someone else wants to abuse their body, it's their choice. I'm also not going to be preachy about this.

3. Eat healthy. This isn't hard, some meat that isn't deep fried, a salad, and some potato or rice. Let's start using some of that television watching time in a more productive manner. Buy some fresh cuts of meat and take 20 minutes to cook up some fresh veggies and raw potatoes. It doesn't sound like much of a chore when I put it that way.

4. Lose weight. I'm sure that by cutting out the booze and crap food, the weight will come down on its own to a healthier level. But see number five on the list.

5. Get in great shape. This is for my own safety. I need to be in way better shape than the average guy to do my job well and come home after every shift. Sure I don't have to worry about it on most days, but those days do happen and when they do, I should be in peak shape .

6. Be better at my job. I have lots of time to work on it at work. So, put the damn remote control down and review what it is that I should know. Pick a chapter out of a textbook, dig out some tool that I haven't used in a long time, do something to be better at my job.

7. Be a better husband. I'm not a bad one right now, but it should be like being in shape. I can always be better. This one will be the toughest, because I haven't researched it like I have food and exercise. I guess that where I'll start. Relationship health, I hadn't even thought about it when I started writing this morning, but my overall health depends on it too.

8. Plan. That old adage, "Failure to plan is planning to fail" has been running through my head for the last few days and now I know why. Plan meals, plan exercise, plan time with my wife. And write it all down. There's no way I'm going to remember this stuff all off the top of my head. Get a notebook and write it all down. Who cares if I look like a dork writing it down? This is success I'm looking for and this is how I'm going to get there.

9. Be open about this. Being accountable keeps me motivated at work, so being accountable for this will keep me motivated here. Putting this online keeps me accountable because people, like my wife, who may read this and I doubt there will be many more than her. Isn't that funny that I'm more worried about the possibility of failing in front of others more than failing for myself. It seems a little bit opposed to what I've been writing about, but that little part of my brain can be a sneaky fucker.

10. Start today. Why the hell not? I know that I'll feel better than I ever have once this all starts working.

Here's how. To break these crap habits I have, I'm going to try and learn to ask myself, before every decision, if this is the healthy choice. Should I have beer or water? Should I go for a bike ride or play a video game? Should I watch porn or plan a meal? Should I find a hockey game that I don't really care about or spend some time with my wife making us a better couple?

Those questions sound pretty stupid when I write them down, but that's how it's going to have to work. I'm going to have to consciously choose to tell that little part of my brain that hates me to fuck the hell right off.