Hey there.

It's me again, working on me and my life. Football and work and the other work seem to get in the way. I realise that I should include them because they aren't going away, not without some serious work and without some serious lottery winnings.

So, what's my plan, I ask? Make time for me to better myself physically and mentally. It's funny how things come into my life when I seem to need them. Like the Alive magazines that Mum always drops off when they're in town. Not much on depth, they present ideas that I then dig a little deeper into.

Ah, Mum, you definately present some great ideas in that method that is so very you. We who aren't as in touch with our inner feelings find your method a little uncomfortable, but we know that it's always with best intentions and, in the long run, what's best for us.

Thanks, eh.

"Professional" drinker

I read an article the other day. A wife described her husband as a "professional drinker". What she meant by that was he was able to drink socially without the problems the next day.

He obviously has the personal sense that I'm reaching for. The awareness to know when to have a glass of water or turn down the next drink or two, while still enjoying his evening.

I'm past the point of having to prove how much I can drink. Part of the wisdom of age I guess. It's that I enjoy the flavour and can't find a suitable substitute. Suitable flavour that is.

Perhaps that's it. I need to take something to switch to between drinks.

This blog seems to work. Ideas come with the writing.

As an aside, I've managed to lose a couple of more pounds - 15 in total. It's been motivating me to keep going. I missed fruit for a while though.

I started to feel sluggish and run down and then I realised that I hadn't had any fruit for a while. Now that I'm eating fruit more, I've been feeling better.

Fruit and exercise make you feel better. I should probably patent that, but I'll share it with you for free.

Damn Skeeters

So, two full days on the couch because I couldn't get any energy to do anything else. I'm blaming it on West Nile (a nurse friend "diagnosed" over the phone after a ten second consult). That means two things, I'm now immune to it and comfort food. Grilled cheese sandwiches or macaroni with tomato juice. It was tiring eating.

In the meantime, my belt is on it's last hole, my pants are too big, and I'm noticing a change in the mirror. Once I fell fully healthy, I may actually feel healthy.

The wisdom of Zane

While those words don't get strung together very often (he, he), it's true. I was thinking that I'd have to come up with some new clarity everytime I logged on to blog on. In the mean time, the little prick in my brain has been gathering some strength.

The weekend was a little rough, I'm still bloated from all the good food and beer. So, back up on that wagon.

How time fades some good things.

We've all felt it, anything new loses it shine over time, new paint, a new tv, a new relationship, they all "fade" a little bit and become comfortable or get discarded for something new. It's been that way with my newfound attitude.

That little part of my brain has been winning a lot lately. I've been busy, tired, and not very good to myself. While I haven't gone to Burger King and ordered the triple Whopper (is that even necessary to have on the menu?), I can do better.

I feel like I'm off the wagon, clinging to the tailgate getting dragged through the mud. Still determined, but I'm getting dristracted. I thought this morning how nice it would be to have that March 31 attitude all over again.

Then it got nice outside - have to have a beer in the sun, then I might as well have a JD for a nightcap (or three). Forget the blog, I've got nothing to write, well, nothing positive anyway.

So, here I am. I've lost some weight, my workouts are going well, but I need to track my progress better to motivate the other parts of my life. I need to get that attitude back, it felt good to be winning. It felt good to treat myself well. Sure, it's some work, but it was paying off. I really didn't have that moment of breakthrough, until just now. It was mental. I was in charge, I made the choices and they were for my betterment. Good things were happening and were only going to keep happening. No wonder the little bastard didn't want me writing, I hadn't realised any of this when I started typing today.

A counter attack on that part of my brain is in order.

21 Days Makes a Habit

That's what we're told, anyway. Twenty one days, and you're in the clear. That's probably an overstatement, but it is getting easier to make the right choices. I'm not really missing booze, I've dropped seven pounds, and it feels like I've made a change for the better. The workouts are regular and the diet is pretty good. I haven't even opened the liquor cabinet since I started this and there's a cold beer still in the fridge.

I still don't question my food choices enough. When I'm hungry or enjoying the taste of a meal, I have zilch in the will power department. Animal hunger or the evil part of my brain has changed tactics, but I eat before a meal and then during the meal. When I'm eating, I can't seem to direct myself to the better portions on the plate. Instead of finishing the meat or veggies, I'll eat the rest of the rice. Those barbequed potatoes with melted cheese definately dissapear.

Well, a new goal now. Not as glamorous as the booze, but just as tough. I need to ask if what I'm eating is right and I should just deal with hunger until the meal is ready.

It's been two weeks. Isn't that a song?

Well, here I am, two weeks into this. I can't say that I overly feel better on a day to day basis. I'm working out, eating healthier, drinking lots of water, and staying off the booze. Nothing monumental yet, but whatever, I know it's better for me.

I'm getting philosophical about the drinking. And wondering.

Understanding society's view on alcohol is coming. Every "good" time involves it. A LOT of my funny stories start with "so I had a couple of Jack Daniel's". Having something to blame for a loss of inhibition is great. Do a couple of dumb things and you've got a funny story to tell the next day. Not that any of this is new to most of us.

The pressure around drinking is, so far, from me more than anyone else. Social situations have included alcohol for a couple of decades or so. Now I'm having to rely on my great personality. Good thing there's plenty of that. ;)

This hasn't been as hard as I thought really. It was just a choice I made. I've thought about putting some sort of end to it. The summer barbecue, football season, winning a bar fridge full of beer, dropping below two hundred pounds, or some other significant event, but I'm not really a big fan of dates.

I understand the need for goals and all, but putting some sort of time frame on this may actually increase the pressure. Right now I don't have to say, "Just one more month." or, "Only ten more pounds." Instead, it's, "Is this the best choice I can make?" A healthier question physically and especially mentally.

Long Weekend

Well, a four day trip to Edmonton and all is well.

I was very aware of how often I would drink on a past weekend. Basically every meal except breakfast. That's because they had a continental breakfast and ddin't offer beer, something about liquor laws, I suppose.

Seriously, though, we arrived back in Saskatoon on budget speciffically because I didn't drink. It was kind of freeing in a way. I'm finding myself free to break convention and not drink. Let's face it, it's a cultural thing, always has been. If we get some down time, we've got a drink in our hand.

I'm understanding that now and am a little ashamed of the way I would banter at someone who wasn't drinking. Mostly because I'm preparing for some verbal abuse at the hands of my friends when I order an orange juice neat. Kharma, perhaps?

Test No. 1

So, I'm building a deck with Wayne for a friend of a friend. When we're just about done, another firefighter shows up, beer in hand. He offers me one and I tell him I'm "off the sauce". He asks for how long. I don't get my answer out and he asks a second question, "Two days?" Wayne laughs, because it's been, that's right, two days.

Apparently the first two days are the easiest.

Clarity blurs a little.

7:30 am

That's when the evil part of my brain woke up. Walking home from the dealership, my evil gray matter decides to try to outflank this newfound clarity with some negotiations. "Okay, you can have a couple of drinks on the weekend." or "Have a JD when you're out with the guys." This sounds fairly reasonable. Ummmm.... no.

So, a battle won and a successful day. And after a good night's sleep, I'm ready for day two. Although this niacin rush I'm getting from my B complex vitamin is going to require I finish my orange juice outside. HOOOOO WEEEE.

Intial Thoughts

March 31, 2010

3:30 am, had to pee. Not that it's a surprise, I drank four beer and 5-6 ounces of Jack Daniel's and Coke last night. Lying in bed after the pee, the headache kicks in, and the thinking. Why do I continually do this? Three, four times a week , I seem to drink until I'm at least tipsy. I know it isn't healthy. I understand that it's bad for my health. My heart, my liver, and my overall weight really wish I wouldn't. But yet, it seems like a good idea to crack that beer or pour a couple of ounces of JD. So why do I?

Of course this clarity kicks in when I would rather be sleeping. Four a.m. and I have this understanding of what I'm doing to myself and why. Because part of me hates me.

I'm a happy guy. I've got a great job, a loving wife, a new house, a truck, friends, and a loving family. All the things that I wanted out of life. Yet, part of me wants to be an overweight alcoholic. An overweight alcoholic, who lives in a messy house getting pizza and Chinese food delivered to my house so that I don't have to leave. Then I can sit down, alcohol in hand, and watch pornography instead of having a healthy relationship with my wife.

That sounds like fun. If hating myself is fun. If creating an unhealthy being, who is trying to slowly commit suicide that will take a few decades of feeling like shit, is fun.

What is it that makes me make those choices? Some part of my brain. Some tiny part of my brain controls so many of my actions. The self destruct button. I'm not getting one of those ominous countdowns like in the movies. TEN, NINE, EIGHT.... Or am I? Why the hell else am I sitting here at a quarter to five when I was going to get up at six. Why is this the time that the clarity kicks in? I should be sleeping, but here I am.

When I say, "I should be sleeping", I'm not referring to just the time of day. It's healthy. I need the sleep to function. To allow my body the time to recover and rejuvenate, I need seven to eight hours. But here I am.

Here's my theory. Because the part of my brain that wants me to be healthy, caught the tiny part of my brain that wants to die napping. I need to get this sorted out, so here I am, sorting it out. Figuring out why I make these choices and trying to fix it.

Think about it. I know that the JD I drink is no good for me. Not in the slightest. My liver, especially my liver, would appreciate not having to filter the alcohol out of my system. My waistline would appreciate not carrying the extra helping of desert. My body would appreciate getting eight hours of sleep a night. But I make the choice to drink, eat unhealthily and stay up watching television that I'm not even learning anything from.

I make those choices consciously. Then it becomes a habit. When I try to break that habit, every single time to date, I fall back into those old habits. When I do fall, I feel good about it too. It's like I've won some victory over common sense and health. That is usually followed by guilt, but initially I feel good.
What part of me wants to feel good about being unhealthy? The experts tell us to "cheat" on our diet every now and then to maintain our diet overall. Feed that unhealthy side of us a little bit to keep it somewhat satisfied in the hopes that we can stay relatively healthy. Does that makes any sense?

I'm sure that a neurologist could tell me all about dopamine and the addictive centers of my brain that basically run my life. For sure it comes down to chemicals interacting with gray matter, but I still have to make those choices.

We're told every day what our healthy choices are. The food we eat, the exercise we should be getting, and the relationships we should be creating. This shouldn't be that difficult.

Here's my plan.

1. Stop admiring the goofs on television who don't treat themselves right, yet I do admire them. Charlie from Two and a Half Men comes to mind. The writers of that show sure do make the addictive character seem like the shows hero. Have another bourbon and get the hot chick and the great job.

2. Start making the right choices. Leave the beer in the fridge and the liquor in the cabinet for company. If someone else wants to abuse their body, it's their choice. I'm also not going to be preachy about this.

3. Eat healthy. This isn't hard, some meat that isn't deep fried, a salad, and some potato or rice. Let's start using some of that television watching time in a more productive manner. Buy some fresh cuts of meat and take 20 minutes to cook up some fresh veggies and raw potatoes. It doesn't sound like much of a chore when I put it that way.

4. Lose weight. I'm sure that by cutting out the booze and crap food, the weight will come down on its own to a healthier level. But see number five on the list.

5. Get in great shape. This is for my own safety. I need to be in way better shape than the average guy to do my job well and come home after every shift. Sure I don't have to worry about it on most days, but those days do happen and when they do, I should be in peak shape .

6. Be better at my job. I have lots of time to work on it at work. So, put the damn remote control down and review what it is that I should know. Pick a chapter out of a textbook, dig out some tool that I haven't used in a long time, do something to be better at my job.

7. Be a better husband. I'm not a bad one right now, but it should be like being in shape. I can always be better. This one will be the toughest, because I haven't researched it like I have food and exercise. I guess that where I'll start. Relationship health, I hadn't even thought about it when I started writing this morning, but my overall health depends on it too.

8. Plan. That old adage, "Failure to plan is planning to fail" has been running through my head for the last few days and now I know why. Plan meals, plan exercise, plan time with my wife. And write it all down. There's no way I'm going to remember this stuff all off the top of my head. Get a notebook and write it all down. Who cares if I look like a dork writing it down? This is success I'm looking for and this is how I'm going to get there.

9. Be open about this. Being accountable keeps me motivated at work, so being accountable for this will keep me motivated here. Putting this online keeps me accountable because people, like my wife, who may read this and I doubt there will be many more than her. Isn't that funny that I'm more worried about the possibility of failing in front of others more than failing for myself. It seems a little bit opposed to what I've been writing about, but that little part of my brain can be a sneaky fucker.

10. Start today. Why the hell not? I know that I'll feel better than I ever have once this all starts working.

Here's how. To break these crap habits I have, I'm going to try and learn to ask myself, before every decision, if this is the healthy choice. Should I have beer or water? Should I go for a bike ride or play a video game? Should I watch porn or plan a meal? Should I find a hockey game that I don't really care about or spend some time with my wife making us a better couple?

Those questions sound pretty stupid when I write them down, but that's how it's going to have to work. I'm going to have to consciously choose to tell that little part of my brain that hates me to fuck the hell right off.